Balance

When I wrote a few weeks ago about discipline I said I would follow up with some words on balance. But last week the events around the world took me in a different direction. So here we are back again to discuss the topic of balance. Yay! It is a topic that is very close to my heart as It has been a struggle for me for master (and therefore a great teacher) for most of my life. My tendency was to be an all-disciplined good girl or an all-out rat bag tearing it up! Too much of one inevitably led to too much of the other.

Balance really should be a class they teach in high schools. I’m not even kidding. It is an art form. And one that can make your life easeful and peaceful compared to the hectic alternative of swinging emotional/mentally/physically all over the place. I used to believe that to have balance would mean a boring and ordinary life, but the wisdom of getting older has taught me that this theory was just the ramblings of someone who was completely out of balance. The fact is I didn’t know what is was to have balance so I was judging the ‘devil’ I didn’t know…you know?

In a nutshell my story on balance, or lack thereof, goes like this…

I was good at sport when I was a kid so a lot of my time went into training. Up early in the morning to train then often having a lunch at school training and a follow up one after school. It was drummed into me pretty early that you’ve got work hard, make sacrifices, and deny yourself pleasure in order to win. I remember being put on my first weight loss diet at the age of eleven. Which may sound crazy, but this is the world of sport.

Basically my philosophy to life became this…

(The above quote is one that I’ve enjoyed making a mockery over the last couple of years because it really is utter crap).

Anyway, after my first international (what kind of?) competition my body just completely broke down. I went from stress fracture to stress fracture and it all came to a screaming halt when I fell down some stairs drunk one night (extreme behaviour in opposite direction) and broke my foot. It was an injury I just never came back from. 

With training no longer being my anchor, out came my devil horns and I went from extreme discipline to extreme party girl in about 2.5 seconds (quick note to my parents to apologise for all the sleepless nights). I released all of the stress and pressure of those years as an athlete by stepping ferociously into the world of alcohol and drugs. As I was taught, if you’re going to do something, do it with everything you’ve got. 

Fast forward many many years (and tears) later and I discovered the world of yoga. Again I swung from ‘bad’ to ‘good’. The good taking the form of a practice called Bikram. Which, let’s face it, is like the extreme sports version of the yoga world, so not at all surprising I landed there. I remember doing two 60 day challenges back to back. What. The. Fuck. That’s just plain madness but I didn’t know any better and at least I wasn’t breaking any more bones.

So… I slowly learnt that practicing yoga like that is as detrimental to my heath as anything else that one can do in excess. This is why this is a follow up to the discipline blog – because discipline is a wonderful thing to cultivate but not when it’s ALL we have. My journey through yoga has been one of striking a balance between effort and ease, doing and non-doing, discipline and surrender. Having discipline can create wonderful pathways to be more free in our lives. Therefore, we want to be open enough to enjoy the freedom when it comes. If it’s all work work work… when does the receiving, space and pleasure come? To actually enjoy the headways that we make?

Alternatively, if it’s all play (or indulgence) we can quickly derail and lose ourselves. Or become unwell with the continual assault on our bodies from this behaviour. So it’s a balance of our energies and activities that creates a whole and well existence. I’ve learnt that you can be addicted to paleo as much as drinking alcohol and neither extreme behaviour brings about a very stable or enjoyable life. I choose to not drink and do drugs anymore but still find space in my life to enjoy the odd indulgence (hello ice-cream). It’s important!  

My fears around having a boring life if I cultivated balance soon dissipated when I found that I didn’t have to spend so much time cleaning up the mess that my former wild behaviour caused. Or battling the guilt and punishment I gave myself when I was in a discipline phase and fell off the wagon. And it’s SO good waking up every morning without a hangover and knowing how I got home and where my wallet, keys, phone and brain are!

So, the contemplation around balance is a very personal one. Where do you go off kilter as an individual? Is it in the areas of work and rest? Or do your relationships tip out of balance when you give too much and receive very little? Or the opposite? Only you’ll know through self-study where there are areas for you to look at. In yoga we work on specific balancing poses but every pose is an exercise in creating balanced energy throughout the form. Just like every life situation is an exercise in creating the exact same thing.

I still struggle with overworking and more energy going out than come back in. These areas are improving in leaps and bounds from my old Bikram days but I’m always in process around how to balance everything in my life. I think the important thing is to be aware of our tendencies and be open to bringing about slow and gentle change. 

I was trained at an early age to be tough, to suck it up, work hard, and push through the cues of my body that were telling me it was all too much. So unravelling that training takes time, patience and some self-love. Because without that, I just fall back into the self-whipping behaviour that throws me out of balance in the first place!

As a contemplation this week I invite you to gaze over your own life and see what areas may be dominating your time and energy, as well as other parts that may go neglected. From there, is it possible to create some balance in order to find more harmony in your inner and outer world? 

This is challenging, yes, but so worthy of practice.

Yours in the dance of balance… and yoga,
Aimee xxx