The blessings of Kali Ma
Wow what a time we’ve all had of late! I don’t usually speak to astrology but that full moon in Pisces last month really did the trick of knocking most of us off our saddles. Personally I was not only knocked from my saddle but dragged across rocks, miles of broken glass and mountain ranges, pulled under water, and eventually dumped in the middle of friggin’ desert. I know, I have a flair for the dramatic. And I am not ashamed! Drama feels appropriate at this time of reflection because it was very much with us over the last couple of months. There have been moments where I’ve honestly thought, “The universe must truly hate me!” It was just hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit… You get the picture. So why all the drama universe? What’s up? Seriously, what did I/we ever do to you?!
In the irony of all ironies the week before this string of hits began to bombard my existence, I brought in a class on the Goddess Kali. So, some of you who know the fierce force of divine destruction that she is may be reading this and think, “Well, you did kinda ask for it…” But to you I simply say, Shush! That’s it. Just shush! I am AWARE that when one plays with Kali one may get one’s fingers burned. However I was not expecting to be set completely on fire and have my life burn to ashes before my very eyes! (drama) That was just WAY harsh Kali Ma (I say as I bow to you in deep respect and love and please don’t hit me again).
Anyhow, we live, and we learn. And as we all know, the Phoenix does rise from the ashes.
Please see above if you are unsure of Kali and her might. “Holy fuckballs!” is an appropriate response, in case you’re lost for words.
As a yogini on this path I have danced with Kail a lot. Why? Because I do kinda ask for it (yes, you were right those people who thought as much. But still shush). I have always had an innate desire to grow and know who I truly am on a deeper level than just personality and identity. I once did some training with the wonderful philosophy teacher Carlos Pomeda and he said as we get older and say things like, “I’m really starting to know who I am”, we are actually saying, “I’m getting really comfortable with my conditioning”. And I’ve realised that I’m not satisfied with getting to know just the outer aspects of myself. Perhaps it’s my Scorpio ways, but I’m just a little bit more interested in the underbelly of our existence; the deeper aspects of who we are, as expressions of divine beauty and love. This kind of inquiry will naturally take us way beyond our individual programming and family and cultural influences, and into the wonderful world of… What else? And the inquiry comes at a cost. Parts of us need to be lost in order for other parts to be found…
Enter Kali Ma!
The above quote about her magnificence just nails it. She is fierce FIERCE love. I can imagine her saying, “You want to know who you truly are? Because I’ll show you. But I’ll show you by removing everything that you’re not. Are you ready?”
So the cost is that we can lose our sense of identity along the way. For myself I got hit in all areas. It’s like Kali was in my ear whispering… Do you think you’re this body? Because you’re not. Do you think you’re this romance? Because you’re not. Do you think you’re this piece of technology? Because you’re not. Do you think you’re what you do for a living? Because you’re not. Do you think you’re this mind? Because you’re not.
On this path of discovering our true Self, all that we’ve clung to as a sense of who we think we are crumbles. We can be left without a semblance of stability and crying in the arms of loved ones voicing our deeply felt belief that we lack the strength to go on. This was just my personal experience of course. But I’m sure some of you know the place I’m speaking about.
I think an analogy that helps is that our life experience is like growing new plants in a garden. In order for the new to take root and thrive the old needs to be cleared away first. We are just the same; in order for us to evolve we need to shed old skin. Old structures and constructs that no longer serve us and which keep us feeling and acting small must be cleared away. As they drop away we will most likely feel acute pain and a sense of profound loss.
So you might wonder why in the world anyone would want that?? But we must remember that Kali is interested in giving us our freedom from bondage. She’s tough love. What lies beyond the almost-crippling pain of growth is a more liberated way of being. The promise is a freedom from the external anchors that weigh us down, so that we can begin to connect to a much more real and eternal aspect of who we are.
We must also remember that we asked for this. I know some of you might recoil at such a statement but how we know we asked for it is because we are embodied in this life, and that’s no accident. At some point our soul had to have said, “Yes”.
Also, I think it helps to remember that the universe is in a state of rapid evolution and because we are the universe we are being invited to evolve too. Any evolutionary push in nature is always preceded by some form of conflict. So if you’re in the, “Kali’s got me over a barrel” place then you’re not alone. The whole universe is with you, because you are the universe in living form. And no, that doesn’t make the pain any easier to sit with, but it does give that pain the sense of purpose that it justly deserves.
I am also personally with you. I lacked the strength and motivation to write this blog for a few weeks because I was too busy attempting to put one foot in front of the other. But winter always, without a shadow of a doubt, becomes spring. Life moves and evolves and Kali steps in and out with her fierce love like any good mother does. So wherever you are today, meet yourself there, because you won’t be there for long. And even if the ‘there’ is being a real asshole it’s still precious. A precious asshole. That’s something I’ve never put into written word before. First time for everything. See? The movement and evolution of life is working already!
Yours in Yoga,
Aimee xx